How to Train Your Parents Read online

  ‘Don’t you get discouraged?’ I asked him.

  ‘Oh yes.’

  ‘But you still keep trying.’

  ‘There’s an old Japanese saying I’ve pinned up on my kitchen wall. It says, “A problem is really a mountain filled with treasure.”’

  I thought about this for a moment. ‘Todd,’ I cried, ‘you’ve actually taught me something worth knowing today. Congratulations.’

  After he’d gone Mum didn’t rush up and start scrutinizing what I’d done today. There was a certain amount of hand-twitching but she restrained herself. I know she is trying very hard to conquer this bad habit. She’s making excellent progress too.

  WEDNESDAY MAY 22ND

  Maddy rang this evening. She has found out for certain that her parents don’t hate her, which is very cheering. But she is also unsure how to proceed with the parent-training. Should she just abandon all her principles?

  I told her that the problem with her training programme is that parents can take what you do personally, and think you don’t like them (rather than you just want a bit of a rest from them). It needs an extra ingredient, and I think I’ve just discovered what it is.

  You find out what your parents really, really like and every so often throw them that scrap. At once, you’ve got something majorly important: bargaining power. Parent-training is a bit like snake-charming, really. Hit the right notes now and then, and you can do what you want with them. Maddy was dead impressed by my wisdom.

  THURSDAY MAY 23RD

  After my boasting yesterday I must admit to one failure: I still haven’t got my television released back into the community. Mum and Dad are proving surprisingly stubborn on this one. I suspect they’re trying to save a bit of pride. Mum keeps saying, ‘No, we were right about that.’ I have at least managed to get some compensation. They’re buying me some CDs on Saturday.

  FRIDAY JUNE 14TH

  Had a look round my new school today. Also met the headmaster. Face like a beaten-up football and the most impressive collection of hairs up his nose I’ve ever seen. Yes, he was ugly and odd. But then they all are, aren’t they? They wouldn’t want the job if they weren’t. But he was nowhere near as ghastly as Spitty. He was also about a hundred years younger. And the school reminded me of my old (pre-Spitty) one.

  ‘So,’ asked my dad as we were looking round it, ‘do you think you could be happy here?’

  Of course, the words school and happy just don’t go together. But I told Dad, yeah, he could close the deal.

  An Amazing Phone Call

  FRIDAY JULY 5TH

  5.10 p.m.

  My mobile rang ten minutes ago. I thought it was Maddy. She often calls at this time. Instead, of all people, it was Josie.

  I was totally shocked. And for a mad moment I thought, She’s ringing to say they do want me on the show after all. And I think she realized that, because she very quickly said that the shows were all recorded and going out next week. ‘I was very sorry you didn’t get through,’ she said. ‘Among the judges it was a split decision. And . . .’ she paused for a couple of seconds . . . ‘the other judges didn’t share my sense of humour.’

  ‘The fools,’ I said.

  She chuckled. ‘Well, humour is a very personal thing. But I also wanted to tell you, Louis, that I’m seeing a friend of mine who’s planning a different kind of talent show for children. Something with perhaps a bit more edge. Can I mention your name to him?’

  ‘Oh yeah, sure, please do.’

  ‘I can’t promise anything. Nothing is guaranteed in this business. But I’m sure he’d like to meet you.’

  ‘And I’d like to meet him. Thanks, Josie, thanks very much.’

  Just as she was about to ring off she asked, suddenly. ‘That person with you wasn’t really your mother, was she?’

  ‘No, not quite,’ I admitted.

  Josie started to laugh then. She was still laughing when she rang off. Talk about amazing phone calls. That’s why I wanted to write it all down straight away, dear diary.

  I’m on my last page for now. No space to write any more. My time is up and I must, very reluctantly, leave the stage. You’ve been a great audience and I’d really like to tell you one last joke but my head’s still spinning from that phone call.

  Just can’t wait to tell my parents about it. But first of all, I’m going to call my agent.

  Smile on!

  Louis the Laugh.

  About the Author

  PETE JOHNSON began work as a film critic for Radio One, then became a teacher. His experiences in the classroom inspired him to write his first book for children, and he still keeps contact with a panel of young readers to gain their viewpoint as he writes. He is the author of over forty books, including the bestselling How To Train Your Parents. Pete’s books have won various awards, including the Young Telegraph Award and the Brilliant Book Award, and have been translated into twenty-three languages. He lives in St Albans.

  Also by Pete Johnson

  THE GHOST DOG

  Winner of the 1997 Young Telegraph/Fully Booked

  Award

  MY FRIEND’S A WEREWOLF

  A 1998 Book Trust Selection

  THE PHANTOM THIEF

  EYES OF THE ALIEN

  THE CREEPER

  Winner of the 2001 Stockton Children’s

  Book of the Year Award

  THE FRIGHTENERS

  RESCUING DAD

  TRAITOR

  Some things you may not

  know about Pete Johnson:

  He used to be a film critic on Radio One. Sometimes he saw three films a day.

  He has met a number of famous actors and directors, and collects signed film pictures.

  Pete’s favourite book when he was younger was One Hundred and One Dalmations. Pete wrote to the author of this book, Dodie Smith. She was the first person to encourage Pete to be a writer. Traitor is dedicated to her.

  Once when Pete went to a television studio to talk about his books he was mistaken for an actor and taken to the audition room. TV presenter Sarah Greene also once mistook Pete for her brother.

  When he was younger Pete used to sleepwalk regularly. One night he woke up to find himself walking along a busy road in his pyjamas.

  Pete’s favourite food is chocolate. He especially loves Easter eggs and received over forty this year.

  Pete’s favourites of his own books are The Ghost Dog and How to Train Your Parents. The books he enjoys reading most are thrillers and comedies.

  Pete likes to start writing by eight o’clock in the morning. He reads all the dialogue aloud to see if it sounds natural. When he’s stuck for an idea he goes for a long walk.

  He carries a notebook wherever he goes. ‘The best ideas come when you’re least expecting them’ he says.

  And he collects jokes!

  [You’ve sent me some brilliant ones. On the next page are a few of my favourites . . .]

  What’s the difference between

  bogies and broccoli?

  Children don’t eat broccoli.

  Matthew, Southend-on-Sea

  What’s faster, heat or cold?

  Heat – you can catch a cold.

  Hayley, Omagh

  Doctor, I keep seeing the future.

  When did this happen?

  Next Tuesday.

  David, Prestatyn

  A man rings up an airport and asks how long it

  takes to fly from London to Spain.

  ‘Just a minute,’ says the girl.

  ‘Wow, that’s fast,’ cries the man.

  Gary, Kettering

  My grandad was a pianist on the Titanic.

  He went down very well.

  Zeenat, Acton

  What do you call a rich rabbit?

  A million hare.

  Rebecca, Holmer Green

  What happened to the man who

  stole a calendar?

  He got twelve months.

  Mohammed, Luton

  HOW TO TRAIN YOUR PAREN
TS

  AN RHCP DIGITAL EBOOK 978 1 446 49873 6

  Published in Great Britain by RHCP Digital,

  an imprint of Random House Children’s Publishers UK

  A Penguin Random House Company

  This ebook edition published 2011

  Copyright © Pete Johnson, 2011

  Illustrations copyright © Nigel Baines, 2011

  First Published in Great Britain

  Yearling 9780440864394 2011

  The right of Pete Johnson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

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  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.