How to Train Your Parents Page 10

  Dad gaped at her. ‘Maddy,’ he cried incredulously. ‘But why are you—?’

  ‘I had to be accompanied by a parent,’ I interrupted.

  Dad still looked bewildered but all at once this tiny twinkle came into his eyes. And then another familiar figure burst into reception: Mike.

  If I stood here long enough would the whole of my road turn up? Mike gave a sharp gurgle when he spotted me. ‘So you found one of them,’ he barked. ‘But where’s my boy?’ He was directing that question at me. ‘Theo’s with you, isn’t he?’

  ‘Theo?’ I looked at Dad questioningly.

  ‘Theo has also been absent from school today,’ said Dad quietly. ‘We thought he’d run off with you.’

  After I’d convinced Mike that Theo wasn’t hiding in my bag all four of us went over to Dad’s car. Dad and Mike sat in the front, Mike spending most of the time babbling furiously into his mobile, while Dad tried to reassure him that Theo couldn’t have gone far.

  I was slouched in the back with Maddy. I whispered to her, ‘I wonder how Dad knew where I was?’ She just shrugged her shoulders. ‘I suppose it doesn’t really matter. It’s all over now,’ I said.

  Dad dropped Mike off, then he took Maddy home. She’d taken off her wig and glasses and kept trying to make conversation. But I couldn’t even look at her properly. I knew I’d let her down so badly. And what about all that money she’d spent on me?

  ‘I will pay you the money back,’ I announced, suddenly.

  ‘Oh, I don’t care about that,’ she cried. But I bet she did.

  ‘It might take a while, though,’ I admitted, ‘as I’m giving up being a comedian.’

  She went all gaspy. ‘Oh no, you mustn’t.’

  I waved a weary hand. Right now, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be alone with my broken dreams. As she got out of the car Maddy said, ‘See you very soon.’ I was too crushed with gloom to even answer her.

  Back home I dreaded facing Mum, expecting a right ear-bashing, but she only said, ‘Have you any idea what you’ve put us through today?’ Amazingly, that was it, really. Of course, Elliot was gambolling about demanding to know exactly where I’d been.

  And then Prue came round. There was still no news of Theo. I remembered how he’d shaken hands with me yesterday. He’d been planning to run away, hadn’t he? I remembered something else too.

  ‘I don’t know if it’s any use,’ I piped up, ‘but Theo told me once that if he ever wanted a bit of time to think things out he goes to the park and—’

  ‘The park!’ exclaimed Prue. ‘We haven’t looked there.’ She charged out of the house, with Mum close behind.

  I muttered to Dad, ‘I’ll just go and unpack,’ as if I’d been away on holiday. But I didn’t unpack or go and get my video (which I’d left in the car). I just crashed out on my bed.

  Later I heard Mum come back. ‘They’ve found Theo,’ she announced to Dad. ‘He was in the park, all huddled up on a bench.’

  ‘Poor lad,’ cried Dad. Then he muttered something about pressure, which I couldn’t quite catch, but Mum murmured in agreement with it, anyhow. Then they both came up to see me. I snapped my eyes shut and gave a very convincing impression of someone sleeping.

  ‘He’s shattered,’ said Dad.

  ‘I know. When he came in he looked so worn out I couldn’t be angry with him,’ whispered Mum.

  Must remember that: if ever I want to stop Mum getting cross – look tired. Then Mum discovered my running-away note, still propped up on my desk. ‘Well, look at this,’ she whispered.

  They both read it and then Dad murmured, ‘I’m off to start my career now,’ and chuckled, but not in a nasty way. Shortly afterwards they crept away. They think I’m asleep now.

  And that’s it. I don’t think I’ve got anything else to tell you tonight.

  11.40 p.m.

  Yes I have!

  After my last entry I fell asleep for a few minutes. I woke to hear myself talking (a very odd sensation). I slipped downstairs and spied Mum and Dad in the sitting room watching my video. They were both really laughing. Then they spotted me and Dad exclaimed, ‘But you’re very funny!’

  ‘Don’t sound so amazed,’ I replied.

  ‘You’ve got real talent,’ he said. A small smile played around his lips. ‘I thought I had some musical ability when I was a teenager. And maybe I had.’

  ‘Yes, maybe,’ I said kindly.

  ‘But I lacked something else which you’ve got in spades: real determination.’ Then he and Mum started firing all these questions at me about the auditions. But it wasn’t like one of their interrogations. They seemed incredibly interested. So I told them just about everything. Once or twice I could see Mum wanted to go all tutty but she swallowed hard and restrained herself.

  We watched the tape together twice more. And they didn’t seem to mind that most of my act was making fun of them. That impressed me.

  Then Elliot sneaked downstairs, insisted on watching the video too, laughed loudly at all of it and then promptly fell asleep. Dad carried him upstairs while Mum plonked herself next to me on the couch. And I thought, Here it comes, the big lecture.

  ‘When you’re a parent, Louis,’ she said, ‘you have to play lots of different roles, like doctor, nurse, psychiatrist, friend, teacher—’

  ‘Stop whenever you want, Mum,’ I interrupted.

  She smiled. ‘But sometimes you can get so carried away with one part, you forget about all the others.’

  The next thing I knew she’d planted one of her slurpy kisses on my forehead. But the curtains were drawn so I didn’t stop her. I suddenly discovered I was starving hungry. Mum made me beans on toast and while I was chomping away Dad said, ‘So you don’t like us coming into your bedroom while you’re working’ – in this really astonished voice, as if I’d never mentioned it before!

  I patiently explained to them why I didn’t like being watched while I’m working, or being pressurized about school work. Also, I didn’t like them organizing all my free time and neither, I added, in a rare burst of brotherly concern, did Elliot. After which I told them exactly why I hated everything about my new school, and I really felt they were listening to me. At last.

  And I have to admit the time just flew. In fact, when Mum suddenly said, ‘My goodness, it’s gone eleven,’ I was astonished.

  The mood was now distinctly mellow. ‘So have I got to go to school tomorrow?’ I asked, never really expecting my dad to reply, ‘No, you can have a break from the “hell-hole”, as you call it, tomorrow.’

  Mum looked as if she was going to disagree with Dad but then said quietly, ‘All right, not tomorrow.’

  When I came back up to my room I started thinking of how my dream had floated right away from me today. This plunged me right down into gloomsville again. But then I remembered my mum and dad chortling away at my video. And that did bring a tiny smile to my defeated lips.

  12.15 a.m.

  Just thought of something I meant to tell you earlier. I asked my dad how he knew where to find me today. He said the school had rung up about eleven o’clock to say Theo and yours truly were missing. Immediately, Prue assumed I’d abducted her precious Theo and was leading him into a life of crime and wrongdoing. Then my dad and Mike rushed back from work and there was more aggro as Mike also blamed me for leading Theo astray.

  But then, at around one o’clock, they got this mysterious phone call. It was a woman’s voice. She told them where I was and how I was auditioning for a top TV show, but before Dad could ask her any questions she rang off.

  It must have been Josie. But why would she call my dad, especially when she thought my mum was there? That’s a right puzzler.

  A Surprise Re-appearance

  FRIDAY MAY 17TH

  12.30 p.m.

  Want to hear some great news? No, the TV company hasn’t rung to say they want me on the show after all. That would be beyond super or brilliant or . . . anyhow, it isn’t that. But it’s still pretty mi
nd-blowing.

  I haven’t got to go back to Spitty’s Waxworks next Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday . . . or, in fact, ever again! Mum said the school and myself were clearly mismatched. She made it sound as if we were dating. She went on to say that it wasn’t right that I felt so unhappy and alienated and that she and Dad were arranging for me to start at a brand new prison.

  There is just one catch. While I’m between schools I will have to have a private tutor. Now, I really don’t approve of bringing teachers into the home. Gruesome habit. But wait until you hear who my tutor is.

  You remember they mentioned this tutor before. I thought his name was Mr Walrus, though I hadn’t been listening very hard. Actually, his name is Mr Wallace. That still didn’t mean anything to me until they announced his first name: Todd. Yes, Todd from Drama Club. They knew I liked him and had discovered that as well as acting in The Bill and coaching drama, he teaches English and basic maths. He starts next Tuesday.

  5.00 p.m.

  This afternoon I visited Theo. Mike opened the door. He looked red and bewildered. Theo’s got some kind of chill, apparently. He keeps shivering and the doctor says he needs complete rest. Wish he’d say that about me. To be fair, Theo didn’t look the picture of health. He was dead pale and his eyes seemed to have sunk right into his head. Hated seeing him like that, actually. But, ever keen to strike a cheery note, I said, ‘So we both missed the dreaded maths test, then.’

  Theo just gave this sad little smile and whispered, ‘Did you hear about me shouting at my parents yesterday?’

  ‘No, but tell me everything.’

  ‘Well, last night I’d just got back from the park, when Dad had a go at me. I’d expected that. But he went on and on about how he and Mum had poured their lifeblood into me, until something snapped inside me and I thought, I can’t take any more of this. So I started screaming at them.’

  ‘What did you say?’ I asked eagerly.

  ‘I told them to stop pouring their lifeblood into me and to leave me alone, as they were like this great, heavy weight on me and . . . and I was sick of them.’

  ‘Oh, excellent. Say anything else?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘That’s a shame. So what did they say?’

  ‘Not much, just looked really shocked. But this morning Dad came and sat down on my bed and talked to me for hours. He said he was on my side and just wanted the best for me. And it was extremely important I understand that. I said I did, because he does mean well, doesn’t he?’

  I just shrugged my shoulders.

  ‘I think he does,’ he whispered. Then he leaned back and closed his eyes.

  ‘I’ll be off then,’ I said. ‘Get well soon, won’t you.’

  I’d just reached the door when he muttered, ‘When I’m better Dad said he’s arranged something special for me.’

  ‘A trip to Disneyland?’

  ‘No.’ Theo opened his eyes again. ‘A new course for children which he says is proving extremely popular. It’s all about anger management.’

  ‘Well, don’t save a place for me.’

  Theo started to laugh. ‘Come back soon,’ he said.

  9.00 p.m.

  I’ve tried to ring Maddy several times today but her mobile is permanently switched off. Hope her parents haven’t confiscated it as a punishment for yesterday.

  SATURDAY MAY 18TH

  A leaflet for a salsa dancing class dropped through the letter box today. I placed the leaflet on the kitchen table. Dad picked it up.

  ‘So are you going to join this time?’ I asked.

  ‘Shall we?’ said Mum, looking at Dad and laughing.

  ‘Why not,’ he replied, then he started laughing too.

  I really think I’ve found them a hobby at last. That’s a big worry off my mind. Still no answer from Maddy’s phone.

  When Parents Are Overtrained

  SUNDAY MAY 19TH

  Just after lunch today I got an urgent call from Maddy’s mum. Maddy had locked herself in her bedroom and wouldn’t come out. Would I try and talk to her?

  Dad drove me round and said he’d be back for me in an hour. Maddy’s parents were standing waiting for me at the door. They looked really upset.

  ‘She ran upstairs just after breakfast,’ said Maddy’s mum, ‘and announced she wasn’t coming out ever again. At first we thought she was just having a tantrum. But she won’t even talk to us, and screamed the house down when I suggested getting her sisters back from a friend’s house. Will you try and talk to her, Louis?’

  ‘Of course I will,’ I replied. ‘Can I just ask you, did you tell Maddy off for what happened on Thursday?’

  They both looked puzzled. ‘But what happened on Thursday?’

  Oh, nothing much – your daughter skived off school, went to London and dressed up as my mum. Just a typical day, really. But clearly, they didn’t know anything about that and now really wasn’t the best moment to enlighten them.

  On Maddy’s door was a notice. It said, ‘My room. My mess.’

  I knocked on the door.

  ‘What do you want?’ demanded a voice.

  ‘To see you would be nice.’

  ‘I’ve got nothing to say to you,’ she replied.

  ‘Well, you can just look at me then. Come on, let me in.’

  She opened the door a crack, signalled to me to come in, then bolted it shut again. She didn’t look at all pleased to see me. In fact, I’ve had warmer welcomes from Spitty. ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked.

  She gave what I believe is called a mirthless laugh. ‘Everything,’ she cried. ‘I put a lot of time and effort into helping you. And then on Thursday you just brushed me aside.’

  ‘No I didn’t.’

  ‘You did, Louis. You said it was all over and you didn’t want to know me any more.’

  ‘I never said that last bit.’

  ‘Well, you implied it. I said, “See you very soon,” and you never even answered me and I think that was extremely mean of you, especially when I dressed up as your mother and rang—’ She stopped.

  ‘What?’ I asked.

  ‘Nothing.’ She was blushing madly.

  And right then I knew. ‘It wasn’t Josie who rang my mum and dad that day, it was you, wasn’t it?’

  ‘Of course it was.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I know I told you to train your parents. But the thing is, I’ve overtrained mine. And I didn’t want that to happen to you. So I thought, if they saw you and realized how good you were . . .’

  ‘That was really thoughtful of you,’ I said.

  ‘Yes, it was.’

  Then I asked what she meant about overtraining her parents. She sat down on her bed. ‘Well, I can’t talk to my parents at all now. They’ve never been very keen on me and I don’t blame them. I mean, there are my sisters, all bright, beautiful and funny – even you fancied them.’

  ‘No, I didn’t.’

  ‘Yes you did.’

  ‘Excuse me, but I should know who I fancy,’ I said.

  ‘It doesn’t matter,’ said Maddy. ‘Everyone adores them and then there’s me: the ugly duckling.’

  ‘You’re not ugly,’ I said, ‘and you’re not exactly a duckling either.’

  She shook her head. ‘I told myself I didn’t care what my parents thought of me. I’d go my own way and keep them right out of my life. So I did all the training things I taught you. And it worked. They left me alone more and more. And they stopped expecting things from me, which is what I wanted.

  ‘But I could see them hating me too. Only that didn’t matter because along you came and I became your agent . . . but now that’s all finished and I’ve got nothing.’

  She started to cry then and I wasn’t at all sure what to do. So in the end I flung a hankie at her. ‘It’s all right,’ I said, ‘it hasn’t got any bogies on it.’

  She smiled and blew her nose really hard. ‘Sorry about that.’

  ‘And I’m sorry I told you I’m giving up being a comedian, be
cause I’m not—’

  She looked up. ‘I should think not.’

  ‘And I’d very much like you to go on being my agent . . . and my friend.’ I whispered those last three words but Maddy heard me all right.

  We chatted a bit longer, then I went and told Maddy’s parents that she would be down any second now. Huge sighs of relief. ‘Now, can I ask you a question?’ I began.

  ‘Of course,’ said Maddy’s dad.

  ‘You do like Maddy, don’t you?’

  They both sort of jumped and chorused, ‘Yes,’ very indignantly.

  ‘That’s fine then,’ I mumbled. ‘I was just checking.’

  ‘We love her,’ went on Maddy’s dad, in that same indignant voice.

  ‘Oh, even better. That’s the stuff,’ I said quickly. ‘Maybe you could let Maddy know that sometime. She does still want you in her life, you know.’ They were both just staring at me now, no doubt drinking in my words of wisdom. ‘Well, I hope that’s helped. I’ll call again soon. Bye.’

  Feeling well chuffed with my new role as ‘agony uncle’, I went outside just as Dad pulled up.

  Maddy was watching from her bedroom window. I signalled to her to open it.

  ‘It’s all right,’ I said, ‘they don’t hate you, in fact . . .’ But I didn’t want to shout the word ‘love’ down the road so instead I said, ‘They’re pretty keen on you.’

  All at once Maddy started smiling. ‘You do make me laugh.’

  ‘Well, I should do, I’m a comedian,’ I said.

  ‘And don’t you ever forget it,’ she called after me.

  TUESDAY MAY 21ST

  First lesson with Todd today. I said, ‘No offence, Todd, but I am amazed to see someone who’s been in The Bill doing a menial job like this.’

  He said he was quite surprised too. He thought he’d be starring in his own hit TV series by now. (He laughed and looked mournful after he’d said that.) But he said acting is highly competitive and even the very best have periods when they’re resting. That’s why you need something to fall back on. He’d gone to two auditions recently and made the shortlist both times but didn’t get any further.